Tonight. Almost 10pm. No sign of him. Phone not switched off but not answered either. He's been out since 3pm. I just need a bit of space- he says. Coupled with that statement after hanging up the phone to his mother "That's probably the last time I speak to her". An acute feeling of unease. He will have gone out to the pub and he'll be drunk and pushy when he comes home. But there is no one to talk to. Friends have kids and his mum is away. The Intensive Home Treatment Team are gone til Tuesday and they seem intent on discharging him- but then ever the actor the brave face is brought out specially for them and they leave after a nice cup of tea thinking that this man is happy and lovely. I dread the moment... imminent- when he staggers in drunk and wants to pick a fight. I just want to hide. This is not healthy and it is not happy. This is my boyfriend. And here I am- trying to chart the days to see if it is endless shittiness or are there days filled with joy?